Amy Winehouse has a new addiction: tanning! Of course, you couldn’t tell by looking at her, but all I’ll say is: crack. Amy’s friends are concerned because she’s not only spending way too much time fake-baking, but also tends to pass the fuck out in the booths. This should end well. The Sun reports:

Rehab singer Amy, 24, even dozes off under the ultraviolet lamps, which release the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.
One friend said: “Amy can’t do anything by halves. Recently she has been going for it on the sunbed, but she won’t be told. She bought it to get rid of scabs that started appearing on her skin.”

Please, let her try tanning with the beehive on. Please, let her try tanning with the beehive on. Please let her try tanning with the beehive on. Please, let her try tanning with the beehive on. Please, let her try tanning with the beehive on….

Cheryl Burke of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars hit the beach with friends Jenny McCarthy, Jim Carrey and let’s say Swamp Thing over the holiday weekend. Cheryl definitely has the ass of a professional ballroom dancer. I think. Okay, you got me: I have no clue what a ballroom dancer’s ass is supposed to look like. I assume something’s missing. Wait, don’t tell me; a chandelier! Ha! Superficial Writer, you old devil, you’ve done it again.

Cynthia Rodriguez decided a simple financially-crippling divorce wasn’t enough to pay A-Rod back for spelunking Madonna’s dusty tomb. So, last week Cynthia took off to Paris and dropped a hundred grand on his credit cards then started spreading rumors she was nailing Lenny Kravitz, according to NY Daily News:

“She’s been spending wildly,” the friend said. “She spent close to $100,000 on her jaunt to Paris.”
Cynthia flew the godparents of her daughters, Dodd and Sabina Romero, and their older daughter, first-class to the City of Light, the friend said. There, Cynthia “had spa treatments, she went to the best restaurants,” the A-Rod friend said. “She originally was going to head to Spain, where Lenny Kravitz was touring.”

Somehow I don’t think any of this fazed A-Rod. I mean, the guy had sex with Madonna which I’m pretty sure is legal grounds to declare him full-blown retarded. In the meantime, A-Rod probably makes $2 billion just by picking up a bat, so Cynthia’s little spending spree was a drop in the bucket. On a related note, going by my current salary I’ll eventually make $100,000 by the year 102,008. Bitchin’! I’m buying rocket boots.

Britney Spears is going on tour with Madonna. But in a safe, videotaped format where concertgoers will be sequestered from her cooch and therefore less likely to demand a refund. People reports:

“Britney is going to film something for Madonna’s show in the next week or so,” Madonna’s rep, Liz Rosenberg, tells PEOPLE.
As for details about what they will be doing – and where it will be filmed – Rosenberg says, “I don’t know. It’s a secret.”

Madonna! Britney! The concert! This summer! Videotapes…

MADGE & VADGE

Be there.

Yesterday, all the hub-bub was Jim Carrey walking around in Jenny McCarthy’s bathing suit, and I didn’t think twice about it. But then, using my superior skills at investigative journalism, I discovered that Jenny McCarthy herself also wore the bathing suit during the day’s activities. (Checkmate, Chris Hansen!) One might say she’s MILF-esque with a side of “I’d probably still hit that.” I swear, it’s reporting like this that should get my face on a plaque. I’m thinking “World’s Best Internet Typer” or “Sexy Person Who Knows Words.” Yeah, that one.

Sad news, folks. Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Who? Exactly. Us Magazine reports:

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have split, her rep tells Usmagazine.com exclusively.
“They are still friends,” a source close to Barrymore tells Us.

Okay, let’s be honest: no one outside of Justin Long’s penis cares about this news. I’d have more fun chewing on a live power line then talk about these two. In fact, I haven’t had breakfast yet, so if you’ll excuse me… *KA-ZZZZZZZZZAP* Oh, yeah, I made the right choice. I mean, who needs body hair or the ability to see in color anyway? Not this guy!